I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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