one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
