i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
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