I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
They should really pass out barf bags in church
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
