Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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