I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
