I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
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