I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
