I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
