can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Randomize
