Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
