Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Randomize
