I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
