The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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