Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
In America we eat man semen.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
