I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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