Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Randomize
