Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
i love accidental penises.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Randomize
