11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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