I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
