The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
is this the sara with the beer cane?
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Randomize
