New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
