It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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