"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Randomize
