I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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