i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
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