Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
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