i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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