New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
