Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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