I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
