your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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