we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
