OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
false alarm. still invincible.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
