When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
