I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
