Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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