If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
