I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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