I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Randomize
