I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I love you.
Bad choice
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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