ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I just want to make out with him forever
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Randomize
