She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Randomize
