Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
