Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
You pole danced in your parka.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
