Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
not ubering you a puppy
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
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