I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
