you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
