Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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