While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
