Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
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